I’ve just come out of a massive M.E./CFS crash. I’ve spent the last three months in bed. I’ve had migraines so bad I thought my head would explode and I threw up so much it felt like I’d bruised a rib. Then came the relentless nausea—like a flu or a hangover that never ends. It feels as if I’ve drunk the bar dry but I haven’t been anywhere, I just had a shower and that was enough. The sensation of being poisoned is constant. Even now, as I’m slowly coming out of it, I can only paint for fifteen minutes at a time before my neck and head start to ache, and the poisoned feeling returns if I push through. And heaven forbid you push through! I learned that the hard way. Before I took this illness seriously (that only took me six years), I would “soldier on” telling myself not to be so weak and then always be floored, ending up in bed for weeks, feeling like I’d swallowed petrol. After this crash I finally accept that I must treat myself better, acknowledge that my nervous system is shot, and take pacing seriously. So work, painting and life in general have taken a back seat for the last few months. Stopping painting has been the hardest part; I’ve watched others online make new work and promote their shows, and it’s been difficult not to feel left behind in life, but it goes on! I haven’t really produced anything I’m pleased with for about a year.

I returned to my studio today and had a lovely five minutes this morning and half an hour this afternoon. If that’s how I have to work for now, then so be it, it’s better than nothing.